All Things Unwanted
by Frawley
Summary: Spike contemplates Buffy's return and what she's going through sometime after the events in "Smashed".


Title: All Things Unwanted  
Author: Frawley  
Date: 26th November 2001.  
  
Category: Vignette.   
Spoilers: Minor, for "The Gift", "Bargaining", "After Life", and "Smashed".  
  
Summary: Spike contemplates Buffy's return and what she's going through sometime after the events in "Smashed".  
  
Comments: This started off as a post-"After Life" vignette but sat around past its expiry date... yet after the roller coaster that was "Smashed" I felt it still applied.  
  
Disclaimer: Joss owns most of it, I lay claim to the scraps. FOX can sod off.   
  
ALL THINGS UNWANTED - by Frawley  
--------------------------------  
  
He'd never wanted this for her. Well, sure, there were those few years spent trying to kill her. Nothing would ever right the time spent plotting, assaulting, ravaging. Funny, that - so much effort put into off'ing the Slayer, and it was her death that beat him down worse than anything in his entire sorry excuse for an afterlife. Without a single blow - the old kook's knife-work felt like nothing compared to what would come - he was a broken, distraught, soddin' mess. Unable to function, to the point where he nearly wound up with a case of sunburn only a vampire could manage. Came right close, exited stage left in the nick of time. The Watcher was to thank for that. Who knew he had it in him - sympathy for the Devil. Although, that one seemed to have an awful lot in him that wasn't apparent at first glance - or even second or third.  
  
So he'd gone on, with a bit of help. Took his frustration out on the locals, as usual. Then...  
  
The witch had done the unspeakable. Not unthinkable - he'd thought on it plenty, dreamed of it, screamed for it - but hadn't dared say a word about it. Not afraid that they'd hate him for it, or think it was simply his selfish need for her, but because they might actually try it. Resurrection. A mess even when it went well. Yet in spite of his silence, they'd managed it. Didn't need his knowledge (well, they weren't actually aware he had any, to be truthful - Dawn had kept tight-lipped about the fiasco with her mum), hadn't told him, nor let slip so much as a whisper. He knew why. The boy was loyal - it was his strength, though he didn't realize it - but it failed him when it came to Buffy or the Witch. A double edged sword. He ignored Red's meddling with nature. Made with the foolishness - "Willow would never do that". Trusted her implicitly.   
  
Well, maybe he didn't - he should give the Xander more credit. But he was bloody well burying his misgivings, deep down where no one could find them. For now. Really, though, he had just wanted her back.   
  
Maybe they weren't so different.  
  
Red on the other hand - she'd known the risks, through and through, and still chanced ripping Buffy from one hell straight into another. Out of love. Spike didn't doubt that. Didn't doubt that they all loved her. What Will had done, though, was worse. Not from one hell to another - from Heaven, to Hell. To Life. That wasn't wanted.  
  
It had gone as well as could be expected, and still - a bloody mess. He never wanted it for her. Death, sure, he'd expected her to find that - wanted, for a time, to be the cause of it. Then the girl stole his heart instead of piercing it, and everything changed. He knew she'd find it, but assumed it would bring her piece even while it destroyed him.  
  
Now the Slayer - his Slayer - was back, and had dragged herself up out of the dirt like one of his own in the process. She'd come back knowing what is was like, to be dead, but not. Finding that there was something after life, to be embraced, then ripped free of its arms. He had wondered for a time if she hated his kind even more now - maybe even hated him - but dismissed it. That wasn't her. She wouldn't have hid her hands simply because someone was looking at them, if such was the case. Buffy was ashamed. Ashamed, that she was so close to those she hunted. That something had changed, that she had changed. Even if it was nothing physical, or mystical, even if somehow he was wrong - the chip was wrong - she'd never be the same. She felt it, at first, and when he'd shown her - more harshly than he'd intended - it made it all the worse.  
  
She'd understand in time. Not to feel that shame, to use what she had endured. He'd wait - little bloody else he could do - till then. And maybe, just maybe, it would bring them closer.  
  
Though he'd never wanted it this way.   
  
Buffy had called him a monster, and she was right - not because of his taunts, that was just his game - but because although he'd never wanted this for her, he'd take it.   
  
He'd take her, any way he could have her. No matter how much it hurt her.  
  
And he hated himself for it. 


End file.
